Final Exams

For several years final exams have been a rather significant part of the Christmas season. This year I find myself neither taking nor grading exams. I would be a little bit lost, but the Texan is getting ready for his finals, so our household is not quite test free. And so in honor of all the students I know who are putting off their Christmas cheer until the testing is over, and who will spend many hours in line at the testing center, I present this poem I wrote during one exam week when I was at BYU. (It's amazing what I can accomplish when I'm putting off studying.)

How the Cougars took their Finals

The professors on campus like finals a lot
But the students, who lived just south of campus, did not!

The cougars hated finals! The whole finals season!
Now, please don't ask why for you all know the reason.

They'd have to stay up way into the night
And study real hard until morning's first light

They'd feel like they were banging their heads on the wall
Convinced that their brains were two sizes too small

But, for multiple reasons, such as midnight crams,
They sat there on reading days, cursing exams

Staring down at their books, with a sour, tired gaze
At the long lists of facts, reading page after page

For they knew every teacher on campus just north
Was busy now writing exams to put forth.

“And they’re printing them now.” They snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow starts finals. They’re practically here.”

“This huge pile of reading is really quite numbing,
We must find some way to stop finals from coming.”

For tomorrow, they knew, All the students would consign
They’d wake bright and early and long before nine
The testing center was sure to have a very long line.
That’s one thing they hated. The LINES LINES LINES LINES!

Then once in the building they’d sit down and write
And they’d write! And they’d Write
And they’d WRITE WRITE WRTIE WRTIE

They would write big long essays, and make no mistake
They would write until both hands had started to ache

And then they’d do something they liked least of all
Every student on campus, the tall and the small
Would hand in their tests and though somewhat deflating
They’d simply go home and they’d all start their waiting

They’d wait. And they’d wait.
And they’d WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.
And the more students thought of this final-grade-wait
The more they all thought, “This is something we hate."

Why for quite a few years we’ve put up with it now
We must stop these finals from coming, But HOW?”

Then they had an idea.
An awful idea.
They all had a horrible awful idea.

“There’s just nothing to do. It’s all to no avail
“If we don’t take our finals we simply will fail”

So they did what all students have done in the past
They stopped whining and studied for finals at last.

(I know it’s a cop out ending, but I really should go study now)